


It's Just A Cellphone

by zeitgeistofnow



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M, also grocery shopping, but not in the 80s so he's looking for a cell phone, crime scene AU, dirk is on the richard mc-whatever case, i'm gen z, idk even know what a voicemail tape looks like, not a voice mail tape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 20:05:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14339949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeitgeistofnow/pseuds/zeitgeistofnow
Summary: Todd does not intend to be at the crime scene- he wonders if that’s a thing people do. Collect crime scene experiences, go home and write in their journal about the murder they witnessed earlier that day.Regardless, Todd doesn’t. He’s just doing his job, and he just has to open the door- the wrong Fucking door, two doors to the left of the one he was supposed to- and run into a scowling cop, peering over his shoulder and therefore not looking for bellboys who were supposed to check on the drunk woman in room 436.





	It's Just A Cellphone

Todd does not intend to be at the crime scene- he wonders if that’s a thing people do. Collect crime scene experiences, go home and write in their journal about the murder they witnessed earlier that day. 

Regardless, Todd doesn’t. He’s just doing his job, and he just has to open the door-  _ the wrong Fucking door, two doors to the left of the one he was supposed to-  _ and run into a scowling cop, peering over his shoulder and therefore not looking for bellboys who were supposed to check on the drunk woman in room 436.

“And Cjelli! Don’t. Touch. Anything. I’ve categorized everything in that room, and I’ll know if you so much as  _ breathe _ \- oh, hello.”

Todd waves curtly, just then noticing that the number on the hotel door did not match the one he was looking for and starting to back out into the hallway. The cop grabs his shoulder. “No, stop.”

“Sir?”

“Who’re you?”

“Todd Brotzman,” Todd says. 

“You look straight. Trustworthy.” The cop shoves Todd into the hotel room. “Keep an eye on Cjelli there.”

“It’s Gently!” A voice calls from further in the suite. 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t touch anything,” the cop reminds, and there’s a grumbled assent from within the room. The cop looks back at Todd. “I’ve got to go talk to some of the guys. Keep an eye on… Gently. He’s tricky.”

Todd nods obediently, not quite daring to tell the officer that this Most Definitely Isn’t His Job, because the last thing he needs right now is trouble with law enforcement. The cop sizes Todd up one more time before leaving and slamming the door behind him. 

Todd creeps into the room and is met with a man in a startlingly yellow jacket, staring mournfully at a cell phone sitting on the desk in front of him. “Dirk Gently?”

“Will you pick up the cell phone for me?” Dirk asks. 

Todd squints. “I don’t think the cop wanted me to do that.”

Dirk scowls. “I’m on a case, and he’s doing  _ nothing  _ to help. I need the cellphone.”

“Why don’t you take it, then?” Todd gestures at the phone.

“Because it belongs to a wanted criminal, and that means it’s crime scene evidence, which means a civilian can’t just ‘walk into the room and take it’ in Mr. Cop’s words.”

“He’s not in here,” Todd leans against one of the dressers. 

“But you are, and  _ honestly,  _ Todd, you can’t expect me to think that you won’t tell him exactly what I took as soon as he flashes a badge, and then tell him where I went.” Dirk examines his coat, flicking an invisible piece of dust off of it. “And you told the cop your name, that’s how I knew it.” he grins smugly, then frowns. “I do need the cellphone, though. In order to take it... I’d need to get you out of the way.”

Todd doesn’t like how this sounds, and he moves to grab… something, he’s not sure what, and then Dirk’s mouth is on his and whatever he was going to say dies on his lips. Dirk Gently is an excellent kisser and Todd’s sure he would be  _ extremely  _ into this, did he know Dirk better and were he not in this room to make sure Dirk didn’t steal anything. 

The latter fact is just fully forming in Todd’s mind when Dirk pulls away from Todd and pulls a pillowcase over Todd’s head, and Todd is still too stunned to do anything, and when the cop comes back into the room to find no Dirk, no cellphone, and Todd sitting on the bed, head in his hands, Todd’s not sure what to say. 

 

The cop- thankfully- doesn’t complain to Todd’s boss, and Todd plans to completely forget the incident ever happened, and it’s all going wonderfully until that Saturday when he runs into Dirk Gently at the grocery store.

Todd’s turning the corner, reading through his grocery lists, and he trips over Dirk, who’s sitting on the floor, comparing an apple and an orange. Todd flails, throwing out his hands in an effort not to topple over in the middle of the supermarket, and he doesn’t notice who, exactly, he tripped over until Dirk stands up and holds out a hand to Todd. “Hello! I’m very sorry you tripped over me, and- you look familiar.”

“I come to the grocery store a lot,” Todd says.

“Ah, but I don't! I must have met you somewhere else.” Dirk peers at Todd. “Were you a client of mine?”

“I don’t think so.” Todd edges away. 

“I swear I’ve seen you.” Dirk squints at Todd. 

“Well, you’re likely remembering-”

“Do you frequent any  _ crime scenes? _ ” Dirk says, adopting a facial expression that Todd can only describe as halfway between suspicion and seductive. 

Todd pauses before responding, and he knows that Dirk notices. “No.”

Dirk steps closer. “No? Are you sure about that? Perhaps you simply do not remember, the memories have been repressed, or maybe-” he gasps. “I know where I’ve seen you.”

“You… do?”

“Yes! I saw your band play  _ ages  _ ago.” Dirk grabs Todds free hand and shakes it enthusiastically. Todd begins to worry that this is a different man than the one he met at the hotel- an identical twin, maybe, then he says, “I don’t get out much- I’m a holistic detective, and that doesn’t leave much time for bands, but I stumbled across a show you were playing a few years ago on a case, and- am I right? Have you been in a band?”

Todd nods muetly.

“You’re a pretty good band- wait.” Dirk stops and peers at him. “You  _ were  _ in a pretty good band.”

“Thank you?”

“Oh, you’re welcome. Thank  _ you.  _ That was a horribly boring case and I needed the show.” Dirk looks down at his shoes. “Ah… What’s your name again?”

“Todd,” Todd says.

“Todd,” Dirk says, nodding. “Well, Todd…” Dirk stuffs a hand into his blue jacket’s pocket and takes a card out. “Ah… this is my business card.”

Todd stares at it. “I don’t need a detective.”

“Well, no… if you’d ever like to get dinner?”

“If I wanted to…” Todd blinks. “Oh.”

Dirk stares down at the card. “I mean, if you-”

Todd grabs the card. “No- thank you.”

Dirk smiles at Todd, and Todd smiles back, and they’re there, in the middle of a supermarket, smiling at each other. Todd can feel himself blushing, and he nods once at Dirk and walks away, to the aisle that’s supposed to have cheese. He’s halfway there when there’s a clatter from behind him, and he turns around, concerned. “Dirk?”

Dirk’s mouth is open slightly, and his grocery basket is on the floor. “I know where I saw you!”

“Y-yeah,” Todd says, walking closer so that Dirk doesn’t have to yell this conversation. “I was performing? You said-”

“No! You were the bellboy!” Dirk curses and licks his lips. “Goddamnit.”

“Look, dude-” Todd’s about to say that it’s fine, but Dirk cuts him off.

“I’m terribly sorry, that was  _ very  _ rude of me, but the case was for an old friend, and he  _ was  _ going to be in terrible trouble, or rather, I was going to be in terrible trouble with him if I didn’t get that cellphone, and I was under a time limit, and that was the first thing that came to mind and I’m  _ terribly sorry,  _ I ought to repay you somehow, do you drink coffee?”

“Yes?”

Dirk picks up his grocery basket. “Wonderful. I’ll take you out to coffee…” he checks his watch. “Now, if that work for you?”

Todd closes his eyes and takes a breath. “Now?”

“Well, yes, unless that doesn’t work for you-”

_ I can grocery shop later,  _ Todd thinks. “Sure. Just let me…” he gestures at his grocery basket. “Check out.”

“Well, yes, of course!” Dirk nods and grins conspiratorially. “You’re actually a rather good kisser.”

Todd blushes.


End file.
